Intense Musings and Journal Entries of a Lazy Author – Sabarna Roy

Sabarna Roy is a much awarded, critically acclaimed bestselling author of 6 literary books: Pentacles; Frosted Glass; Abyss; Winter Poems; Random Subterranean Mosaic: 2012 – 2018, and Etchings of the First Quarter of 2020. He is the lead author of a technical book, which has been published from the European Union and has been translated into 8 major European languages.

He has been awarded the Literoma Laureate Award in 2019, Literoma Star Achiever Award 2020, Random Subterranean Mosaic: 2012 – 2018 won the best book of the year 2019, the A List Award for excellence in fiction by the NewsX Media House, Certificate for The Real Super Heroes for spreading a spirit of positivity and hope during the COVID-19 Pandemic from Forever Star India Award 2020, the Certificate for Participation in the Indo Russian Friendship Celebration 2020, and the Literoma Golden Star Award 2020: Lifetime Achievement.

A
I yearn to unlearn the story of my life. The greatest obstacle in doing so is: you crazily get addicted to the habits of your life. Something holds you from changing your life. The inertia is almost unsurmountable. You know that what you are doing day in and day out may not be good for you anymore. But the plethora of events surrounding you have grown deep roots inside you. So deep that you cannot measure them for yourself. The next big thing is: you are not sure of the changes that you want to make to your life. What happened to you were not your choices to begin with; they happened. But you feel, simmering, that the future could be in your hands for you want to make certain deliberate changes to your life-stream. You want to cut-off from your past. But it will haunt you no doubt – you know that and cutting off from the past is an illusion. You want to be more silent and yet, you desire to communicate more beyond the borderlines created by your family, friends and colleagues. You want to be more intense and yet, you desire to attain a lightness of being. You want to be a recluse and you know that that is not necessarily running away from people. You know your city like the back of your palm – its nooks and corners, its dark alleys and lighted alleys; you love your city – its streets, street-corners and structures – and yet, your soul feels restless to get out of it. You do not know the faces and the islands that will calm you. Well, you know for sure that your soul is searching.

B
Last night I saw a dream; I was face-to-face with my conscience (a thinner, sexier and younger version of me) looking me into my eyes. He spoke whisperingly in a nasal voice: Sandy, how low will you stoop in your life whereby you lose your capability to love and lose your desirability of being loved! A part of my soul is screaming: Why is this moron judging me and lecturing me on love about which I am so confused and do not understand well? For a moment the darkness and lightness of my life passed over my eyes like a sandstorm waking me up in a jolt. I thought: Why have I felt so rootless and detached from life’s happenings ever since I can remember my life? Was I born different? Does my nervous system not listen to or receive the sounds and signals of the universe and civilizations? Yet I have worn the cloak of empathy in most instances (when it was required)! Have I been a pathological hedonist and a liar all my life?

How many years will I live repeating the same functions of my life, which is a travesty in the name of this loaded word called ‘life’? Can I change my life? How will I change my life? Because, otherwise it is pointless and painful!